I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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