Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Randomize
