She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
