i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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