Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
