i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
