Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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