The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
