My friends, they love my intelligence
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
