hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
