I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
