i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
