I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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