Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
