Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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