before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
