Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
