I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I currently don't understand fingers.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
