Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
