Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
