Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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