I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
