Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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