walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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