somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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