I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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