Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
