I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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