and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
