Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
