I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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