____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
