The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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