...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
