someone owes me an orgasm
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
