I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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