I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
