Will you blow on my dice?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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