He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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