I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
