I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
