I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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