Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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