Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
