These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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