The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
