i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
