Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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