strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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