apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
