he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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