what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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