just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
