she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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