im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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