Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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