Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
