alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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