I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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